My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
