I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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