You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I love having hate sex.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
