remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
