just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
