Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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