Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
