just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
