Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
