If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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