Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
