you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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