TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
