she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
