I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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