I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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