We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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