if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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