I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
