so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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