Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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