Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She even gives head with a lisp.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
