i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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