I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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