I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
