so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Is it because I queefed?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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