I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
