I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize