Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
