You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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