I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
