it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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