You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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