youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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