I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
