i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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