sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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