hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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