I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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