We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
