someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
