I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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