I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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