I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
