I smell stomach acid.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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