She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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