I accidentally had phone sex last night
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize