It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
