i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
