oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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