Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
