Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize