Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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