So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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