took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize