I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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