Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
