I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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