I'm so fucking centered right now
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
