in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
