I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize