Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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