Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
