A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Also, beer. Big fan.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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