i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
