Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
