The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
