Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
