I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
