He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
