literally had 100 drinks last night.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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