We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
