last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
