The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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