i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
