There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
