there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
