2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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