I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
